The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Since it's only the end of April, games don't really matter too much, so here's some fun baseball news.

Good: Mike Cameron went 3 for 5 with a 2B, 2 RBI, and 2 R's in his return to baseball after serving his 25 game suspension.


Bad: The Royals released Hideo Nomo, after he pitched 4 1/3 innings allowing 10 hits and walking 4 while striking out 3, with a whopping ERA of 18.69. 18.69! (Justin Upton is only 20.67 years old.)



Ugly: If Nomo's stats seemed bad, how about Barry Zito's: 7 years, $126 million...oh wait... How's this: 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA and a WHIP of 1.95.

"How much do I suck? This much."

I guess a potential redeeming quality is that he allegedly did a voice on the Venture Bros.

In other news, I have a huge boner thinking about some of the movies coming out in May-August, like Iron Man, Speed Racer, Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones, The Incredible Hulk, Gonzo (about Hunter S. Thompson). That is all.

Eric Byrnes should have played in the 1970s

Its time to ramble on about one of our favorite players here at Bill Hall's Wood - Eric Byrnes.

Perhaps the most energetic player in the game today, Byrnes has played for several teams, but has seemed to settle in with the Diamondbacks. He was one of only 2 players with 20 HRs and 50 SBs last year, and helped propel the Dbacks to the playoffs. He won't be needed as much this year because Brandon Webb is apparently never going to lose, but I woudn't bet against Byrnes repeating his stats.

Despite his apparent skills, Byrnes was destined to have played about 30 years ago, in the 1970s. The new ban on amphetimines may decrease his energy level, and he is clearly coked out 90% of the time, particularly when working with Kevin Kennedy in the playoffs. In fact, Byrnes would probably have provided the entire National League with cocaine back then. He definitely would have been involved in the mid-80s drug trials, but probably would not have gone to jail because no one can stand to be around him for more than 5 minutes at a time.

His stats lend themselves more to that time period (stolen bases were respected more), and although his all out play is respected these days, his ridiculous leaps and dives clearly resemble Superman movies from the 1970s. You can't argue with the fact that he would look perfectly natural in a disco around that time. And if you do, just look at the below picture.

(Pictures courtesy of ericbyrnes.com)

Happy Birthday, Lawrence Jones

I normally wouldn't care about what happens in a Marlins-Braves game (unless I'm checking HanRam's stats), but this may have been the funniest article I have ever read on ESPN (not counting anything on Page 2).

Some highlights:

"I always feel like I need to do something cool on my birthday," the third baseman said. "Hit a homer or have three hits. I would have taken either one, to be honest. Today, I got 'em both. It was awesome." -- What a tool.

"While Jones got everything from a Dale Earnhardt video box set to an autographed guitar from country stars Rascal Flatts..." -- Wow. They didn't mention the Confederate flag pickup truck given to him by Randy Johnson.


And apparently, Brian McCann hit a triple, with a slide described by Larry himself as "poetry in motion." McCann also commented, saying "I'm as slow as it looks."

Oh, and just because I found this...

A reason why I hate weather

PJ was actually showing signs of not sucking in tonight's game, going 2.0 IP, 1 H , 1K, 0 BB and 0 R, until the rain delay. I'm sure this was the result of Pacman Jones being in town for the game. Then Girardi elected to replace him with Ohlendorf, who had a PJ-esque line of 2.0 IP, 5 H, 1 K, 1 BB, and 5 R. Sweet move there.


On a positive note, B Hall is now over the Mendoza line (.202!) after going 3-4 with a 2B today against the Phillies. He also accomplished the amazing feat of getting picked off 2nd by Jamie Moyer, who has been pitching since Prince Fielder's ancestor, Stegosaurus, roamed the Earth.

Drunken Interview: Mike Mussina

Today we welcome Mr. Winston J. Thomas to conduct the first in a series of drunk interviews.


First up, Mike Mussina.


WJT: Way to not suck for a change and get the W last night.

Moose: Uh, thanks. I really seemed to have some good stuff going.

WJT: Yeah, sure. Lots of people are wondering, what exactly happened on the mound after Nick Swisher went deep off you?

Moose: Well, Winston...

WJT: That's Mr. Thomas to you, jackass.

Moose: ...Whatever. Anyway, all the news articles say that Jorge said "He's got nothing" and that he corrected himself to say "Nothing's wrong." Which was true, and I credit Jorge for calling a good game for me. But what actually happened...

WJT: Get to it already.

Moose: Look, don't be mad that I get to party with babes half my age.


Moose: What Jorge actually said was "Look, Girardi. I replaced you as catcher, don't make me replace you as manager." Girardi kind of backed down, and I got to stay in the game.

WJT: That did not answer my question. My question was who is your biggest rival?

Moose: You didn't ask me that.

WJT: Yes, I did. Now answer me.

Moose: Who is my biggest rival? Well, the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry is pretty intense. Those Massholes really support their team. And it is always nice to beat the Orioles, my favorite team.

WJT: You lie. Those are not your biggest rival.

Moose: What are you talking about?

WJT: Come on, Moose. I think you know the answer.

Moose: This interviews over.

(gets up and walks out)

WJT: Geez, what was his problem? Now this guy, he's the REAL moose.

Paul Konerko's Drunk Again

Don't get me wrong, Paul Konerko is the most accomplished White Sox player of the 2000s. But the dude looks drunk/hungover all the time.
The stats back it up too. His batting average and OPS take a noticeable dip in day games. And if you've ever seen him in an interview, he's totally out of it. Well, Paulie, its worked for the past few years, so keep it up, I guess.

Then again, everyone can't be Rex Grossman:
Or Kyle Orton:

What We Be

We're not all about the Brewers here, even though we have a (possibly) hetero man-crush on several of their players. Maybe we're just inspired by our respective favorite teams.






Oh, and here are some pictures of my favorite Wang.

Son of Cecil Fielder

It amuses us that Prince has become a vegetarian. Even moreso that Jim Caple wrote an article referring to him as "the largest vegetarian since Stegosaurus." See the resemblance?

And Brauntysaurus is his Son

Brauny is such a steaming hunk of sex that he didn't even catch the ball and the kid in the advert is still licking his lips.

B Hall is God

The Man
The Myth
The Legend
The Wood