Bill Hall's Wood

BILL HALL SIGNS WITH YANKEES, IS ON TWITTER

2012-02-08T17:44:00.002-05:00

that's right, our favorite MLB player has signed with the yankees, where he will single-handedly break all the single season records for everything. also, he's on twitter (@BillHall_III)

Carlos Delgado to retire...

2011-04-13T11:26:00.001-04:00

Carlos Delgado was still playing????

2011 season

2011-04-01T08:30:00.003-04:00

I thought I wasn't going to be excited for baseball this year, but now that it's finally here, I kind of am. It's not like the Pirates are going to do anything this year. The April schedule looks somewhat daunting; I'd be very surprised if we have a winning record any time after April 11. Prediction: an 80-82 finish. What Major League Baseball should do is take teams that always suck like the Pirates, Nationals, Royals, and Orioles and just have them play each other repeatedly, to avoid watering down the rest of the league. Maybe we can invite the winners of the Pacific Coast League and International League, and the Blue Jays and Astros too.

In all honesty, I hope the Pirates do well. I hope we don't trade away McCutcheon, Walker, Tabata, and Alvarez by mid-season, in a move that GM Neil Huntington calls "best for the organization".

Q'APLA

2011-03-28T12:09:00.003-04:00

It's about that time of year

2010-12-14T14:21:00.001-05:00

This is probably how the Rangers and Yankees feel after the Phillies signed Cliff Lee.

We're Not Dead (?)

2010-12-09T15:05:00.001-05:00

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

2009-08-12T16:54:00.000-04:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=4394074

Jonathan Papelbon is a fucking idiot

2009-03-13T11:38:00.002-04:00

Remember this from the All Star game last year?

Now, this happens. How can you be so fucking stupid? Who gave you the right?

He can die in a fire with teammate Dustin Pedroia.

ESPN is fucking stupid

2009-03-04T09:24:00.003-05:00

Apparently for over 1/2 an hour last night, ESPN.com was reporting that Manny Ramirez and the Dodgers had agreed to terms, while ESPNews reported that this news had yet to be confirmed.

Ed. note: ESPN.com is now reporting this again, only this time it's confirmed by the Dodgers' official website.

David Ortiz is a bitch

2009-02-20T13:28:00.004-05:00

David Ortiz has now missed spring training for the second day in a row due to a sore left shoulder.

But here's the clincher:

Red Sox manager Terry Francona says Friday that Ortiz is much better than Thursday, when he slept on the shoulder awkwardly. Francona says Ortiz also is feeling the effects from throwing during fielding practice earlier in the week.

What the hell?

Junior Griffey a Mariner

2009-02-19T14:11:00.003-05:00

Ken Griffey Jr. has signed a 1 year, $2MM deal to return to the Seattle Mariners, where he began his career. He put up some great numbers with the M's, possibly the best of which coming in 1997 and 1998. Let's look at these stats:

1997: .304 BA, 56 HR, 147 RBI, 185 H, 34 2B,
3 3B, 121 SO, 76 BB, 125 R
1998: .284 BA, 56 HR, 146 RBI, 180 H, 33 2B,
3 3B, 121 SO, 76 BB, 120 R

Tell me your mind isn't blown by their similarity, and I'll call you a liar and set your pants on fire.

I'm really disappointed he was so injury-plagued as a Red; maybe he would be on the verge of passing Bonds so we could have a non-controversial all-time home run king.

Source: baseball-reference.com

Another reason why Dustin Pedroia should die in a fire

2009-02-12T11:33:00.006-05:00

I think I speak for everyone here when I say we fucking hate it how everyone slobs Dustin Pedroia's nob. Oh, he's 5'8", he's scrappy. .326, 17 HR, 83 RBI? Big fucking deal, pretty pedestrian numbers if you ask me. What about .304, 32, 130? Or .292, 37, 127? Or what about one of two guys with 35+ HR, 100+RBI, and an OPS of .965? The point is I fucking hate whoever voted for him.

Anyway, I just found out that his brother was arrested "on two counts of oral copulation and lewd acts with a child under the age of 14". Which I find incredibly hilarious.

Die in a fire, Pedroia brothers.

Dodgers try to get better, older

2009-02-10T09:47:00.005-05:00

In recent signing news, the Dodgers signed both Randy Wolf, who will likely join the rotation at #4, and Jeff Weaver (pictured above), who will compete against the likes of Shawn Estes and Jason Schmidt for the #5 spot. Apparently, the Dodgers' free agent pitching scouting only extends along the West Coast, since these guys have played for Seattle, San Francisco, and San Diego. Hell, next they'll probably fire up the game tapes from 2001-2004 and sign Mark Mulder.

Abreu could be in Right at Dodger Stadium

2009-02-07T21:58:00.003-05:00

Come May you might see Bobby Abreu roaming right field in Dodger Stadium. That is of course if he can beat out Victor Bojorquez for the position of right fielder for the Diablos Rojos of Mexico City who will be facing off against the Sultanes of Monterrey in an exhibition game in Dodger Stadium this May.

With his prospects running thin Abreu and some of his out of work colleagues might want to consider the Mexican League. This will be no walk in the park for Abreu as Bojorquez batted a lofty .364 in 2008, and has a much better glove approaching the wall.

Maybe the Japanese League may be better opportunity for you Bobby.

Season Preview Seattle Mariners

2009-02-07T21:28:00.005-05:00

It is now time for the season preview of the 2nd worst team in baseball last year - the Seattle Mariners.

What to even say about the Mariners - they were awful.

They do have this one damn sexy Asian outfielder though...

However, their best hitter was probably King Felix, who hit a grand slam off Johan Santana. He was certainly better than Richie Sexson who the Mariners paid $15 million to not play for the team. Hell, I would pay Richie Sexson $500 million to not play for my team, so I guess that was a great decision.

Another great decision by the team was to put some new GM in place, one who admits his mistakes. His name is Jack Zoqweirjoweit or something like that - there's a whole bunch of consonants in there and it begins with a Z. In fact, this GM so readily admits his mistakes, he traded the terrible Aaron Heilman (who was recently discussed on this blog) shortly after acquiring him.

In a recent ESPN Page 2 article, a whole section was devoted to terrible Mariners contracts, which should tell you something about the team.

So, what to look forward to for the Mariners this year? Well, Ichiro...King Felix, maybe Erik Bedard who is the first player ever to have success in Baltimore and not elsewhere, and the greatness that is some dude with the first name Wladimir - I feel like he should be a Russian Czar.

The Mariners could try to bring back the glory days by resigning this former great though...

Although he may be fired for inappropriate touching again. At least he has a job talking about A-Rod's steroid use on the MLB network though. Maybe the Mariners should sign this guy though...

Hmmm...maybe Harold Reynolds wasn't the only one involved with inappropriate touching.

Anyway, Mariners 2009 outlook: Terrible, again. However, they have a new GM, new manager, and all new coaches, so at least the fans can look at different people walking to and from the pitching mound to take out Carlos Silva, Jarrod Washburn, etc.

On the plus side, the AL West is not a strong division, and if everyone ever on the Mariners has a career season, the team could finish .500. At least the Twins need not fear them as their competition a la Little Big League.

Yankees, other teams, avoid the 2nd coming of Kevin Brown/Carl Pavano

2009-02-06T09:54:00.005-05:00

Ben Sheets hasn't been able to get a contract. Apparently, for a good reason.

Also, I didn't know that Nomar was no longer a Dodger. But check out this gem of a quote made by Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, Jr.:

"Nomar has been great through the whole process, but he doesn't want to put our team in position to bring on a player who may not be prepared to performed at his accustomed level"

Does that mean that he's going to be worse than the shitty player he's been ever since he left Boston?

I don't know either.

2009-02-04T09:04:00.004-05:00

Dear ESPN,
No one fucking cares about people finding the DNA of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens in/on stuff that's like 6 years old. Die in a fire (and make sure Rick Reilly and Bill Simmons are there).
Love, Senor Mullet

Baseball in a Recession

2009-02-03T22:57:00.003-05:00

Yes the struggling economy is everywhere, and baseball is not immune. The unemployment line is stretching around the block with Manny Ramirez (probably because he drops routine fly balls like the Dow drops percentage points), Ken Griffey Jr., and Bobby Abreu among the players looking more likely to be catching shoplifters as security guards at Wal-Mart than catching fly balls this season.

Meanwhile the Yankees appear to be the Bank of America of baseball acquiring everything they can get their hands on (Hopefully the acquisitions of Teixeira and Sabathia will not turn out like the acquisitions of Merrill Lynch and Countrywide). After all, the Yankees have a history of acquiring toxic assets like Kevin Brown and Carl Pavano.

If anyone is looking for their own personal stimulus package you could consider betting on the Nationals to win the World Series. They are paying off at 300/1. (The Rays were at 150/1 preseason last year just ahead of the Nationals for second to last).

Hopefully the economy will recover before Citigroup pulls out of the stadium deal leaving the Mets homeless.

Season Preview Washington Nationals

2009-02-03T13:57:00.009-05:00

So, I am returning after incorrectly predicting that the Chicago Cubs would win based on their lack of douchebags. Obviously, it does not matter if your team has a wife beater on it, you can still win the World Series.
I am from the Philadelphia area, and am an avid fan of the other 3 major sports teams in Philadelphia, but am an Oakland fan for baseball. I was in California when the Phillies won the World Series (although I was at one of the NLCS games in Philly), and I was happy to see them do well. It still has not hit me that they won, and probably won't until one of the other Philly teams wins (if ever). That being said, I consider myself a Philadelphian (Philadelphiite?) and am quite proud of the fact that our fans could do this:

So, with that out of the way, we are getting close to pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training - one of the best days of the year. In preparation for the beginning of the season, I will pick one team a day to preview - going in order of worst to best record (finish in the playoffs if the team made the playoffs). I'll probably miss a day here or there, but deal with it, I work.

First team, those amazing Washington Nationals:

This was the start of the Nationals season last year:

Ryan Zimmerman hit a walkoff HR to beat the Braves. Unfortunately, the rest of the Nationals season went like this:

So what went wrong? Well, their highest paid player was Nick Johnson, who played all of 38 games. Their idea of a replacement for him was a 300 pound diabetic who didn't seem to comprehend that he had diabetes. Their best player, Zimmerman was hurt, they traded for a guy who almost (and still might) go to jail in Elijah Dukes, and they seemed to have players with the right last names, but wrong first names:

Nick Johnson, instead of Randy (or Don)
Saul Rivera, instead of Mariano
Cristian Guzman, instead of Juan (90s reference, what)
Jorge Sosa, instead of Sammy
and of course,
Ryan Wagner, instead of Honus

To make up for such a decrepit, misnomered team, what did they do in the offseason?

Well, they lost Don Sutton back to the Braves as an announcer (bring back Ted Turner as owner and technicolor movies!!!)
They struck out on every big-name free agent ever. I have a feeling that Teixera went to the Yankees and told them that he will actually give them some of his money back just so he wouldn't have to play in DC.
Their biggest move was getting rid of Chad Cordero who is now a free agent. This makes me miss the days of the Expos with Tim Wallach, Larry Walker, Ken Hill, and Marquis Grissom. Hey, maybe they could resign Moises Alou and Pedro to try to relive the glory days!!
Of course, I think Pedro looks a bit different now

And I don't think the Nats want to deal with Alou's urinary preferences.

2009 Outlook? Terrible. They did little to improve, and have to start hoping they can draft well with their high picks. All they have to look forward to this year is:

Maybe they can sign him to play second base as well.

Manny turns down 1 year, $25 M?

2009-02-03T09:19:00.005-05:00

ESPN.com's Jayson Stark reports that Manny Ramirez turned down the Dodgers' offer of 1 year, $25 million. Why Manny? No one else wants you, except maybe the Giants (and we all know they're unlikely to shell out this kind of money), and the longer you wait, the better deal the team will get, I'm sure. This also does nothing for your reputation, which you destroyed with the Red Sawx last year but started to earn back with the Dodgers.

Also, ESPN.com new services reports that the Mets have resigned Oliver Perez for 3 years, $36 million?!?!?! What the f--- is that about? Sure, he started well last year with an ERA around 3 and a WHIP somewhere around 1.2 but finished 10-7 with an ERA of 4.22 and WHIP of 1.40. He does show moments with great potential, but I don't think he's consistent enough to merit $12 million a year. Hopefully for the Mets, he turns into something good.

Unsigned Free Agents, 2/1/2009

2009-02-01T09:45:00.007-05:00

The number of big name players who are currently teamless is kind of mind boggling. Tom Glavine, Griffey Jr., the Big Hurt, Pedro Martinez, and Curt Schilling round out the top of the list as future Hall of Famers. I can see why teams might not want to sign these guys though, due to age and recent injuries, but I can see either Griffey or Thomas joining an AL contender to DH, or in Griffey's case, maybe even get some field time. As for the pitchers, they're all coming off injuries, so it would be a gamble for a team to take them, but at the same time, it would be a shame to see them formed into retirement.

I'm still a little bit confused why Manny hasn't been signed yet, but this is probably Scott Boras' doing. Sure, he is a head case and his age is getting up there, but as he showed the last two months of last season, he can still produce when he wants to. Some team might strike a pretty good bargain since his price will likely be forced down as we get closer to Opening Day. Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu may also prove to be bargain hitters for some team.

I'm not really surprised by Ben Sheets remaining unsigned. I wouldn't want to make a huge investment on a guy as injury prone as him (see Yankees, New York and Pavano, Carl; Brown, Kevin).

I'm also surprised that Orlando Cabrera hasn't been signed. He's a solid fielder that can get on base and score runs, but the price tag may be too high for someone his age who doesn't hit over .300 or put up 20+ HRs and 100+ RBIs.

Now here are some pictures.

I'd add a caption here, but I don't know how to spell the sound that I can imagine him making. It sounds kind of like when Jay impersonates Chewbacca in Knocked Up.

This. Is. Just. Awesome.

Congratulations Aaron Heilman, No One Likes You.

2009-01-28T14:37:00.004-05:00

After being one of the major causes of the Mets' disastrous September collapese, Aaron Heilman was traded away to the Mariners. Today, he was traded again, from the Mariners to the Cubs:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3866647

Suck a fatty, you stupid douche. I hope you single-handedly take down the Cubs this season. We'll all be better of for it.

Playoffs

2008-10-15T20:13:00.002-04:00

Well, as we all know, the Cubs were swept in the first round. And it was glorious. I said this before to people, but I'm posting it here finally: If the Cubs win the world series, they will become the new Boston. Every jackass/douchebag/fucktard in America will buy a Cubs hat and you'll see them everywhere. And it's funny because this girl is crying.

I would also like to reference the last picture made in this post way back at the beginning of this blog.

Other bits of gloriousness I hope for in this postseason:
-Red Sox lose to the Rays; Kevin Youkalis and Dustin Pedroia die
-Phillies make it to the World Series but are swept by the Rays. I love it when Philadelphia sports teams experience crushing defeats.

A list of cities I hate:
1. Boston (self explanatory)
2. Philadelphia (a distant second, but only because Pat's Steaks pulls them down.)
3. Durham, NC (I bleed Carolina Blue)
4. Columbus, OH (Brady Quinn, 'nuff said.)
5. Baltimore (just not really a fan)
6. Ann Arbor, MI (what can I say, she's a whore)
7. Whatever city you're reading this from.

Why the Cubs have to win the World Series

2008-09-19T02:10:00.020-04:00

After some serious consideration, the Chicago Cubs have to win this years World Series. Obviously, they are currently the most cursed team in baseball. The Billy Goat, Bartman, whatever, other teams like the Red Sox and White Sox have broken the curse lately, now it is the Cubs turn.

The main reason why? They are the one playoff team without a complete douche or asshole on their team.

Tampa Bay Rays: They have a certain outfielder who just can't seem to run out balls and that turns more triples into doubles than Prince Fielder and Ryan Howard combined. They almost overcompensate for this by having Jonny Gomes, the ultimate gamer and teammate. Check out this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonny_Gomes

Boston Red Sox: Do I really need to explain?

Chicago White Sox: What player do all players hate more than AJ Piersynzki (sp?) No one. When he retires, he will certainly be castrated.

Minnesota Twins: Wait, what was the name of the guy who threw the bat at the umpire? Youtube it yourself, I'm drunk.

California Angels (will always be their name): Ooo, look at me, I got a $50M contract for roiding up and being in the baseball's best offense. Now I hit .225 and Mike Scocsia plays a better outfield than I do. Also, angles.com is blocked from my work computer and displays a picture of a seductive looking Asian chick. Not related to anything, but an interesting tidbit I thought.

New York Mets: Jose Reyes - another guy who can't run out ground balls. Also, when one of the most epic collapses in history is pinned on you, you are a douche.

Philadelphia Phillies: Brett Myers = wife beater, Adam Eaton = money stealer

Milwaukee Brewers: At least 3 players charged/named for doing steroids - Cameron, Gagne, Mota

Arizona Diamondbacks: Had a good chance until they got David Eckstein. Who doesn't had that little dude? This picture summarizes the rest of his life. In prison, he'll be the pie!

Los Angeles Dodgers: When you have 2 former Red Sox whose team has done significantly better after you've left, you have no chance. Even Torre can't make up for that difference. Also, you have Andruw Jones and a guy who made more than $3M per win during his ridiculous contract:

2 other reasons for everyone to root for the Cubs to win the World Series:

You know you want this to be 2 Cubs fans:

And, this chick parties in Chicago all the time. I know I won't complain about more exposure to her:

The Diamondbacks are thieves...

2008-07-30T11:04:00.004-04:00

but I still want them to win the NL West with a losing record.

Baseballs!!!!!!!!

2008-07-26T00:21:00.004-04:00

Baseball is America's pasttime. It's great. I just want to talk about my favorite players. Tim Lincecum has to top the list. He's young, he's got nasty stuff, and he's fun to watch. Speaking of guys who are fun to watch, how about Oliver Perez. Here's a guy that brings some real energy to the diamond every night he pitches. Jair Jurrjens, I'm big on him too. Ian Kinsler and the Texas Rangers, great stuff. We need a 50/50 guy. I nominate HanRam. Even though I've become a Yankees fan, I don't understand this trade I just found. Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte for 4 minor leaguers. I thought the bullpen was pretty solid to begin with and the offense was coming around. But whatever. With Matsui and Posada both out, I guess bringing in Nady makes sense. Moose has been solid. Solid. Pettite, man, last Sunday when I watched Pettite pitch, he was so locked in. Joba's been good too. Rasner's been decent and Sir Sidney (the alcoholic/my idol) has performed pretty well. What happens when Wang comes back? Do they get better? Apparently, Ian Kennedy threw an almost no-hitter if I believe what I saw on SNY for the Mets pre-game. Is he trade bait? What about Phil Hughes? Their rotation is A-OK solid. Nothing wrong anymore now that Moose has got his groove back. Lineup's coming around hitting. Giambi's porn 'stasche is still hilariously creepy. Yankees On-Deck has taught me that Cano is sick-nasty at golf and Melky can hold his own, while Betemit and Veras (I think) struggle. I'm really hoping for a Yankees-Rays ALCS while I'm in Orlando in late October since that would be a wicked awesome experience. Or if the Marlins somehow manage to make it, I'd go see them playoff style. Probably. But let's hope for the Rays since Tampa is closer to Orlando than Miami. While I'm at it, in my dream world, the 2008 World Series will be between the Rays and Brewers and I'll attend all 7 games. That would be the greatest thing ever. Game 1: Kazmir vs. Sheets; Game 2: Shields vs. Sabathia; Game 3: Garza vs. Suppan. I'd give game 4 to Parra and Jackson. This would be such an exciting World Series to see. Two young teams with speed, power, and all that razzle-dazzle. This would be a matchup for the ages. The culmination of two young teams coming into their own, with tons of top prospects in Prince Fielder, J.J. Hardy, Ryan Braun, Bill Hall, Rickie Weeks, Corey Hart, B.J. Upton, Evan Longoria, etc. These were the guys I would draft in MVP '05 to stockpile a young team. I wish EA still made baseball games. I actually used Evan Longoria in my NCAA Baseball '06 game, I think. Long Beach State Dirtbags. Enough rambling for now.

Bill Hall Single Handedly Wins the NL Central and the US Presidential Election

2008-07-23T00:00:00.004-04:00

For the second night in a row B Hall hits a game winning HR in the late innings against the Cards. Could the Brew Crew be in first when the Cubs head to Milwaukee next week? It's a definite possibilty. The D-Backs will go for the three game sweep of the Cubs tomorrow. Hmmm...that sounds familiar. One thing is for sure, I'm going to try to talk my girlfriend into going to a Brewers game this weekend while we're in Milwaukee. Just so I can be closer to Bill Hall.

As far as B Hall winning the election, that headline might be a bit premature. Just like my ejaculations.

Good luck living the rest of your life with that mental image.

Hip Hip Jorge?

2008-07-22T11:17:00.004-04:00

Well, it appears that Jorge Posada's status for the rest of the season is uncertain, as is Hideki Matsui's.

Meanwhile, Rich Harden earned his first loss in the N.L. Why isn't he injured yet? I guess he hasn't been hanging out with Kerry Wood enough. Maybe their injury-getting-ability will cancel each other's out and they'll stay healthy. Let's hope not so the Cubs crash and burn again.

B Hall: Truly a God Among Men

2008-07-21T22:26:00.002-04:00

Holy Balls. Bill Hall hits the game winning HR in the top of tenth in St. Louis. He's gonna bone 200 hot chicks tonight. (As opposed to his usual 100 hot chicks post game).

My Dick is this big

Convalescing over the All Star Break

2008-07-21T21:41:00.004-04:00

After feeling like shit for a few days I headed into the hospital last Tuesday and found out I had pneumonia. However, all was not lost. I got out of the hospital around 11:30 and headed home with some anti-biotics and some narcotic cough syrup. Which was put to good use during the 10th-15th Innings of the All-Star game. Jesus Christ, I've never watched a 15 inning game and been more bored. I'm sure Fox was pleased with forcing the people of America watching third string All Stars play for 2.5 hours. Most of whom your average American has never heard of. Probably my biggest peeve with the game was the whining the announcers were doing for Francona and Hurdle because they didn't have enough pitchers, or they just can't use Kazmir or Webb since they pitched Sunday. Well, if they can't pitch why the fuck are they there? I can't hit a curveball, and I'm not an All Star. Here's a mind boggling idea: You have the 5-7 of the best starting pitchers in the game. Guys who are used to pitching 6+ innings a game. So, I don't know, use them for more than 6 fucking outs. If baseball games were 43 innings, Roy Halladay would pitch an average of 42.2 innings per start. But in the All Star game he threw 9 pitches. NINE FUCKING PITCHES. Either play to win, or play it like the exhibition game it is. Fuck.

Is it just me, or does Bud Selig look like Stephen Hawking?

SHOCKING NEWS! KERRY WOOD GOES ON THE DL!!!!!!!!!!!
Who has a blister that lasts for 10+ days? I wonder what kind of field medicine he'll work this time. It was probably a can of Old Style this time, not Orange Crush sine he's 31 now, not 20.

The guy who 'invented' the save died. I can 'invent' baseball stats too. I present to you:
The SnF (Suck and Fuck). One SnF shall be recorded every time a big, slow slugger grounds into a DP immediately after a bigger, slower slugger walks. Paul Konerko shall be the lifetime leader in the SnF.

Tampa gets swept in a 4 game series by Cleveland. Cleveland? 38-53 Cleveland? Are dark clouds gathering for the Rays?...Probably not, they're back to 2 games up over Boston after being down 0.5 games at the break.

As I type this, the Lions have kicked 6 field goals over the Chiefs after 8. Er, I mean the Tigers and Royals.

I can't figure out if Corey Hart looks like someone I know, or just the stereotypical caveman.

MLB should change its rules and allow the Cardinals' Jason LaRue to take the field with a sign that reads: 'Free Mustache Rides'

'Not just for the ladies'

The Rangers' pitching staff just held the White Sox to 1 run. Where's that cough syrup?....

B Hall on the National Stage

2008-07-21T21:34:00.002-04:00

I've been out with pneumonia for a week+, more on that in another post, but I'd like to point out Bill Hall just stole 2nd in the top of the 8th vs the Cardinals on the Monday Night ESPN game.

look out Rickey, here comes B Hall

Reflections on the All Star Game

2008-07-15T23:42:00.006-04:00

-Okay, bringing back these Hall of Famers is pretty cool.
-Wait...Ozzie Guillen isn't a Hall of Fame shortstop?
-Did Yogi Berra just call Joe Buck "Jack"?
-I hope Tim McCarver gets punched in the face by Joe Buck...or me.
-When did A-Rod leave the game?
-Joe Buck, who cares if you pronounced "Duchscherer" wrong? No one can do it right.
-Papelbon, this happened because you opened your mouth in New York.
-Edinson Volquez is really short.
-You dumb retards, Longoria is still on the bench.
-F*** Papelbon.
-Corey Hart came to bat with sunglasses at night playing. Someone's on the ball.
-The Giants' closer leads the N.L. in saves?
-See, I told you Longoria is still on the bench.
-It was an uncontested steal because that was obviously strike 3, you f***s!
-Did that fan try to let that ground rule double ball hit him that close to his junk?
-I hope Tim McCarver gets punched in the face by Joe Buck...or me.
-What the f*** is up with Ryan Dempster's delivery?
-F***, extra innings...
-I hope Tim McCarver gets punched in the face by Joe Buck...or me.
-We get it, there's no more A.L. position players; you've been saying this since before Evan Longoria entered as a pinch hitter. We know who's left in the bullpen; you've brought this up every inning.
-Way to tell us Lincecum is out of the hospital. I have a non-gay emotional attachment to him since I've been watching him pitch since he came up since my dad's a Giants fan and he called my attention to him, he's got some dirty stuff, but most importantly, he's on my keeper league fantasy team. Oh, and I just found this video on YouTube.
-I now want to punch both Tim McCarver and Joe Buck in the face.
-Dan Uggla for A.L. MVP: 0-2, GIDP w/ RISP, 2 errors
-F*** Tim McCarver, f*** the 11th+ innings, I'm going to bed.

The next morning...
-15 innings! Glad I went to bed when I did.
-Uggla still deserves the A.L. MVP: 0-4, 3 Ks, 6 LOB, 3 errors.
-Scott Kazmir got his first win since June 27.
-Joe Nathan and K-Rod both threw 8 pitches; Nathan recorded 1.0 IP while Frankie had 0.1 IP.
-F*** Tim McCarver.

Some Thoughts on the HRD...

2008-07-15T12:24:00.006-04:00

After I was done watching American Gladiators (more on that later) there was still approximately 14 hours of Home Run Derby action left. I was able to catch the Josh Hamilton show in it's entirety. If all you have to do to become a bona-fide MLB superstar is become hooked to heroin and coke, I'm willing to give it a shot. Somebody get me Matt Jones' phone number. Honestly, Hamilton's story is amazing, and he deserves every bit of attention and praise. Not too many people can get a capacity crowd at Yankee Stadium to its feet while chanting their name. Just ask A-Rod.

Oh wait.
Hamilton didn't win?
That Morneau dude from the Twins won?
But I thought Hamilton hit, like, 83,778 HRs?
He did?
But he still lost?
Huh?

The Home Run Derby has to be be the most flawed system next to the electoral college. I don't care how it happens, but the dude that hits the most dingers should win.

Some other stuff of note:
It seemed like everytime Rick Reilly said something the other announcers completely ignored him. As it should be.

I like how even what is considered the most fun event of the baseball season, New York fans found plenty to boo about:
Chase Utley (Who gave the proper response)
David Ortiz
The HRD pitchers when they weren't hitting their spots.
Evan Longoria for only hitting 3 HRs
The umpires (I didn't even know the HRD had umps)
I'm surprised they didn't start booing God while Hamilton was thanking him after his 1st round performance.

Apparently there's a 'real' baseball game tonight on which the fate of the World Series depends, basically. For as overwhelmingly well home teams have been playing this year, I can't think of anything more fucking retarded than having game 7 of the WS be decided by an exhibition game in which the participants were selected by a giant gaggle of retards. Fuck that, NCAA 09 came out for XBOX360 today and I'm gonna see if the vitual Jimmy Clausen's haircut is a s sweet as his real one. On second thought, the idea of the Cubs losing a heartbreaking game 7 at home is so much sweeter than them losing on the road...

By some odd twist of fate, there was actually a baseball tie-in to last night's AG. Brewer Hall of Famer Robin Yount's niece was one of the female competitors. And if NBC's website was working, I could show you how smoking hot she was. She won last night, but didn't qualify for the next round, so she'll have to go back to being one of the racing sausages. Anyways, this dude makes his gladiator debut next week, and I'm already aroused.

Home Run Derby

2008-07-14T13:32:00.006-04:00

Unless you live under a rock, you know tonight is the home run derby. I'd like to say my favorite part about this year's event, regardless of who wins, is that 7 of the 8 participants are from the United States. (USA! USA!) Hopefully, Justin Morneau can make Canada proud of him and put up a better showing that the previous 2 Canadian participants (Morneau, 2007, and Jason Bay, 2005, for a total of 4 HR. And Morneau had 4 of them.) But it doesn't matter since Ryan Braun is going to win.

What focus, what determination. And he can get hitting tips from C.C., who is averaging 1 HR/4 AB. He has obviously mastered the art of putting his weight into his swing. That's obviously why Grady has nearly matched his previous career best (23 vs. 28) at the break. Either that or he figures the steroid investigation is over and started juicing.

Homeruns and Brewers got me thinking: what happens if the Brewers host an All Star Game and the home run derby is at Miller Park? Would Bernie slide for every home run, providing a Brewer was participating and hitting them? Could he get back up to the top fast enough if two home runs are hit back-to-back? Can he do that during a regular Brewers game? Which hot dog could hit the most home runs? Who would win in a hot dog eating contest if they got vegetarian hot dogs: Prince or C.C.? Will Bill Hall ever receive the respect he deserves from the general public? Does Corey Hart hate that song about sunglasses from the '80s? Do people actually buy and drink Miller Chill? Is it Friday yet?

Oh, and f*** watching the All Star Game. Here's what will be on my TV.

Richmond Lockwood Sexson, Esq.

2008-07-14T13:12:00.003-04:00

Just like Richie Sexson did with this helmet, the Mariners tossed him away last week, citing "poor body language" in response to being benched. Most likely, he wanted to play the game drunk* and encouraged his teammates to join in. As a result, Riggleman took away his booze and sat him on the bench, causing Sexson to act frowny, or something. Obviously, a platoon of Miguel Cairo/Jose Vidro is the solution. On a related note, I didn't know either of these guys were still in the league.

*Let's face it, the Mariners are 20 games out of first and with K-Rod on pace for 1,000,072 saves this year, passing the Angels for the AL West is unlikely. Even passing the A's or Rangers is unlikely. So if you're going to lose, at least lose drunk. That's my strategy for flip cup and beer pong.

4 Hours of My Life I'll Never Get Back

2008-07-14T12:17:00.006-04:00

After being sick for most of the past 3 days I was looking forward to settling in for the White Sox - Rangers series finale yesterday afternoon. What I got was 241 minutes of perhaps the most excruciating baseball ever played. And not just because the ChiSox lost. First off the starters were 22 year old Matt Harrison of the Rangers and '36 year old' Jose Contreras. Contreras is from Cuba, and if my calculations are correct, 36 Cuban years is about equal to 48 regular years. Anyway, both starters pitched like my 11 year old sister. Sure, there was plenty of offense, but both teams seemed to struggle in the clutch and there were so many ground ball base hits it was like they were playing RBI Baseball out there.

As a way to make myself feel slightly better (or maybe worse) about it, here's a list of other things I could have done in the span of 241 minutes:
~Watched the movie 'Pootie Tang' 3.44 times. (which would be 0.56 fewer times than I saw it in theaters)
~Ridden my bike 2,693,635,337 miles had I been riding at the speed of light.
~Driven 57.2 km into Canada from my apartment.
~Listen to Lindsay Lohan's debut album nearly 6 times.
or ~Eaten 1421.9 hot dogs basen on Joey Chestnut's record winning pace at the 2008 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Elsewhere...Our man B Hall scored the game winning run in yersterday's 3-2 Brewers win. Perhaps even more impressive, Captain Cheesburger pitched a CG and went deep. Must be all the beer and sausage that is so readily available in Milwaukee thats turning CC into some sort of superhero.

Rich Harden wasn't struck by lightning or viciously attacked by a goat in his Cubs debut Saturday, however Carlos Marmol was successful in relinquishing a 5 run lead in the top of the 9th to the Giants, which apparently proved to Lou Pinella that Marmol is All-Star worthy.

Today and Wednesday are the only two days all year that none of the four traditional major sports have anything scheduled. So what should you watch? The Round 1 finale of American Gladiators, naturally. Or if you'd like to listen to Chris Berman make noises at baseballs hit long distances, tune into the Home Run Derby.

"I'm gonna drink the blood of the person with the fewest HRs tonight!"

We're back!

2008-07-10T20:32:00.003-04:00

Well it's been a while, but the blog is back in action. There's plenty to talk about in the baseball world these days, most notably C.C. Sabathia going to Milwaukee.

He's excited because they have those 5 enormous hot dogs, and he'll have no competition to eat them since Steggo is a vegetarian. Just imagine, if there's a pickoff play at first, nearly 1/3 of a ton of body mass will be involved, not including the runner! That has to be some sort of record.

Also, how the hell did Fernando Tatis become relevant again? The guy's played in 122 games since 2003! But you know, good for him.

Congratulations to Evan Longoria on being voted to the All Star team. I know why I voted for him.

Not to get off topic, but what the f*** is this? Is that the kind of product ESPN wants to push on me? And since Ashley Tisdale is my age and has been cast as another high school girl, is this ABC's way of telling me it's ok to fantasize about high schoolers? What kind of message are Disney and its subsidiaries trying to tell me? I should fantasize about high school girls and then drink their blood?

Back to the topic at hand...the funniest baseball-related news of the week may have come out of Philadelphia last Sunday where they faced a rain delay of nearly 3 hours. ESPN.com's Jayson Stark writes that Aaron Heilman, Scott Schoeneweis, and Billy Wagner constructed a boat out of water bottles, nail files, Slim Jims, and aspirin packs in the bullpen.

As for other crap that's happened in the league:
-I'm setting my over/under on games Rich Harden starts before being injured at 4.
-People keep speculating someone will sign Barry Bonds...I think if this was going to happen, it would have already happened.
-Ozzie Guillen shares his email address ( ozzieguillen13@hotmail.com).
-I'm pulling hard for Tampa Bay to make the ALCS since I'll be in Orlando October 19-26 and will definitely make that drive.

Expect another drunken interview and maybe some gonzo journalism in the next few days.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2008-04-29T21:10:00.004-04:00

Since it's only the end of April, games don't really matter too much, so here's some fun baseball news.

Good: Mike Cameron went 3 for 5 with a 2B, 2 RBI, and 2 R's in his return to baseball after serving his 25 game suspension.

Bad: The Royals released Hideo Nomo, after he pitched 4 1/3 innings allowing 10 hits and walking 4 while striking out 3, with a whopping ERA of 18.69. 18.69! (Justin Upton is only 20.67 years old.)

Ugly: If Nomo's stats seemed bad, how about Barry Zito's: 7 years, $126 million...oh wait... How's this: 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA and a WHIP of 1.95.

"How much do I suck? This much."

I guess a potential redeeming quality is that he allegedly did a voice on the Venture Bros.

In other news, I have a huge boner thinking about some of the movies coming out in May-August, like Iron Man, Speed Racer, Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones, The Incredible Hulk, Gonzo (about Hunter S. Thompson). That is all.

Eric Byrnes should have played in the 1970s

2008-04-28T10:38:00.010-04:00

Its time to ramble on about one of our favorite players here at Bill Hall's Wood - Eric Byrnes.

Perhaps the most energetic player in the game today, Byrnes has played for several teams, but has seemed to settle in with the Diamondbacks. He was one of only 2 players with 20 HRs and 50 SBs last year, and helped propel the Dbacks to the playoffs. He won't be needed as much this year because Brandon Webb is apparently never going to lose, but I woudn't bet against Byrnes repeating his stats.

Despite his apparent skills, Byrnes was destined to have played about 30 years ago, in the 1970s. The new ban on amphetimines may decrease his energy level, and he is clearly coked out 90% of the time, particularly when working with Kevin Kennedy in the playoffs. In fact, Byrnes would probably have provided the entire National League with cocaine back then. He definitely would have been involved in the mid-80s drug trials, but probably would not have gone to jail because no one can stand to be around him for more than 5 minutes at a time.

His stats lend themselves more to that time period (stolen bases were respected more), and although his all out play is respected these days, his ridiculous leaps and dives clearly resemble Superman movies from the 1970s. You can't argue with the fact that he would look perfectly natural in a disco around that time. And if you do, just look at the below picture.

(Pictures courtesy of ericbyrnes.com)

Happy Birthday, Lawrence Jones

2008-04-25T09:38:00.004-04:00

I normally wouldn't care about what happens in a Marlins-Braves game (unless I'm checking HanRam's stats), but this may have been the funniest article I have ever read on ESPN (not counting anything on Page 2).

Some highlights:

"I always feel like I need to do something cool on my birthday," the third baseman said. "Hit a homer or have three hits. I would have taken either one, to be honest. Today, I got 'em both. It was awesome." -- What a tool.

"While Jones got everything from a Dale Earnhardt video box set to an autographed guitar from country stars Rascal Flatts..." -- Wow. They didn't mention the Confederate flag pickup truck given to him by Randy Johnson.

And apparently, Brian McCann hit a triple, with a slide described by Larry himself as "poetry in motion." McCann also commented, saying "I'm as slow as it looks."

Oh, and just because I found this...

A reason why I hate weather

2008-04-25T00:42:00.004-04:00

PJ was actually showing signs of not sucking in tonight's game, going 2.0 IP, 1 H , 1K, 0 BB and 0 R, until the rain delay. I'm sure this was the result of Pacman Jones being in town for the game. Then Girardi elected to replace him with Ohlendorf, who had a PJ-esque line of 2.0 IP, 5 H, 1 K, 1 BB, and 5 R. Sweet move there.

On a positive note, B Hall is now over the Mendoza line (.202!) after going 3-4 with a 2B today against the Phillies. He also accomplished the amazing feat of getting picked off 2nd by Jamie Moyer, who has been pitching since Prince Fielder's ancestor, Stegosaurus, roamed the Earth.

Drunken Interview: Mike Mussina

2008-04-24T10:03:00.009-04:00

Today we welcome Mr. Winston J. Thomas to conduct the first in a series of drunk interviews.

First up, Mike Mussina.

WJT: Way to not suck for a change and get the W last night.

Moose: Uh, thanks. I really seemed to have some good stuff going.

WJT: Yeah, sure. Lots of people are wondering, what exactly happened on the mound after Nick Swisher went deep off you?

Moose: Well, Winston...

WJT: That's Mr. Thomas to you, jackass.

Moose: ...Whatever. Anyway, all the news articles say that Jorge said "He's got nothing" and that he corrected himself to say "Nothing's wrong." Which was true, and I credit Jorge for calling a good game for me. But what actually happened...

WJT: Get to it already.

Moose: Look, don't be mad that I get to party with babes half my age.

Moose: What Jorge actually said was "Look, Girardi. I replaced you as catcher, don't make me replace you as manager." Girardi kind of backed down, and I got to stay in the game.

WJT: That did not answer my question. My question was who is your biggest rival?

Moose: You didn't ask me that.

WJT: Yes, I did. Now answer me.

Moose: Who is my biggest rival? Well, the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry is pretty intense. Those Massholes really support their team. And it is always nice to beat the Orioles, my favorite team.

WJT: You lie. Those are not your biggest rival.

Moose: What are you talking about?

WJT: Come on, Moose. I think you know the answer.

Moose: This interviews over.

(gets up and walks out)

WJT: Geez, what was his problem? Now this guy, he's the REAL moose.

Paul Konerko's Drunk Again

2008-04-24T00:07:00.004-04:00

Don't get me wrong, Paul Konerko is the most accomplished White Sox player of the 2000s. But the dude looks drunk/hungover all the time.
The stats back it up too. His batting average and OPS take a noticeable dip in day games. And if you've ever seen him in an interview, he's totally out of it. Well, Paulie, its worked for the past few years, so keep it up, I guess.

Then again, everyone can't be Rex Grossman:
Or Kyle Orton:

What We Be

2008-04-23T20:20:00.009-04:00

We're not all about the Brewers here, even though we have a (possibly) hetero man-crush on several of their players. Maybe we're just inspired by our respective favorite teams.

Oh, and here are some pictures of my favorite Wang.

Son of Cecil Fielder

2008-04-23T19:57:00.004-04:00

It amuses us that Prince has become a vegetarian. Even moreso that Jim Caple wrote an article referring to him as "the largest vegetarian since Stegosaurus." See the resemblance?

And Brauntysaurus is his Son

2008-04-23T19:39:00.002-04:00

Brauny is such a steaming hunk of sex that he didn't even catch the ball and the kid in the advert is still licking his lips.

B Hall is God

2008-04-23T19:34:00.002-04:00

The Man
The Myth
The Legend
The Wood